dear diary

I’ve done it again, developed feelings for another unavailable guy. Shameful. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I am needy or am I just going about this the wrong way? You have hope in certain things happening in your life but yet WHO TOLD YOU IT WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO? Just because you start to like someone, doesn’t mean by some sheer miracle they will like you back. It’s a sad reality but a reality nonetheless, so here I am upset at myself, AGAIN, for allowing myself to feel for another person. I had truly made up in my mind that I was going to be done with the male species, but unfortunately my heart didn’t feel the same way. It still wants love. It still wants to feel love. It still wants to be desired and coddled. Deep down I know that this shit really isn’t for me but damn I can’t seem to completely drop all hope that there isn’t a love out there for me. I don’t know why but for some reason like; the two others, I thought this might be different. It’s not like I didn’t know he was emotional unavailable, I just thought I could be strong enough to overcome the need to be with him because I kind of seen him as another “one of the man dem” type of guy. All those nights spent together kind of messed things up. I slowly started to want more but I denied the growing in my heart and I’m stupid for that. Only when it was too late and I had finally figured out that I liked him, did I decide to kind of ghost him. Taking a month off to really just chill and get back to the task at hand: going to heaven and becoming wealthy. All this stress from what’s going on with my body health wise and now this stress of me having to deny myself my true feelings because there’s no point. I’ve realize it’s just a sexual situation between us so I need to chill out. He said something to me that actually kind of change my view on him and it sucks because I thought he was better than that. Now I’m just irritated and I don’t watch anything he does because I’m low key pissed off. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I try to express myself and draw out the real truth from a man’s lips and I get called names: whack, sensitive, miserable, too emotional, extra, bitchy, etc…. so what the hell is the point in trying? I’m just going to stay silent. Eventually, he will fade away like the rest and it’s back to square 1. Life.

[Bee signed out]

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