DILEMMA

So I’ve broken the seal and put myself out there but no luck. This is not how I expected that life would go after losing my virginity.

I thought well now I can actually mingle with guys without them running away from the start because they found out I’m a virgin. EHHH WRONG! That’s clearly not how it works love. Just because you think something is going to go a certain way, doesn’t mean it will actually go that way. So what’s the problem? Is it me? Is it society? Is it the male species? Is it all three? The last one seems about right: I have issues with meeting guys, society has screwed up the way we interact with each other on an intimate level, and men are just a complex species to me in general. Yeah I know: I should put myself out there, right? BEEN THERE DONE THAT! I’ve tried dating online and offline, nothing has FULLY worked. I was even thinking a couple days ago that I should just sign up on an online dating site again but it’s such a damn hassle. CAHRONAVIRUS *cardi b voice* makes it hard to meet people in person so I’m left with day dreaming about my future boo; which is sad as hell.

He’s tall, dark, and handsome like Kendall Jenner said in her interview: small eyes (my favorite body part), big smile, he’s strong, he’s passionate, he’s ambitious, and he’s ALL MINE! He’s not worried about any other female but me and his mama. He loves God, smokes weed, and a little rough around the edges; not TOO rough but just the right amount so y’all know he ain’t no push over. Now if I could put all that into a man then we will be well on the road to a lovely relationship, but that’s just the start. After all that, I need him to be all about mind and money: gotta be a hustler; a business man. He’s gotta be street and book smart; gotta know the ropes of life man… it’s hard out here for a pimp. I want to be able to sit down, roll a joint, and talk about life without making him confused: aliens, conspiracies, energy, god, childhood, goals, and dreams. The type of conversations where you don’t realize it’s been four hours and you’ve just scratched the tip of iceberg. I can’t forget the lovey-dovey part, I need me a lova man. Now here me out, I’m not saying be all soft and shit just be compassionate and considerate. As someone who is affectionate, you have to be also or the situationship will run its course quickly. Grab my face and kiss me, rub my booty, caress me while I play video games, tell me I look sexy or smell good, let me know my ass getting fatter, let me wear your hoodies, and run my hands across your body. *sigh

So what now? Do I wait for this make believe person I’ve slightly described above or simply forget about even being in a relationship? I re-read that and I got slightly irritated. I have not dated anyone so giving up is some bullshit; I haven’t even lived the life! I’m getting older and I know I got a little more maturing to do but at the same time I’m ready for “love.” I use quotations because I stopped believing in it on a romantic level a long time ago but at the same time I still want it. How are you suppose to feel when you look around and everyone is hitting the milestones in life that we’ve been told since young: go to school, get a job, find a partner, get married, have kids, and retire. Only thing I have out of all of those is a job; nothing else of my own. I realize that life moves at a different pace for everyone but I am I not suppose to be a little annoyed that life isn’t moving as fast as I want it to? This has me ready to settle with being a rich aunt or “the young lady in their father’s will”. Only time will tell but while everything else in my life seems to be moving so fast, this shit is taking its sweet time.

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Beginner Blogger. Starting something new that I’ve been putting off for a while. Canada.

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