Today is a day of past bitter remembrance. Happy Birthday Dad. It’s been just over a year since you’ve been gone and there has been a lot to ponder. The emotions I have towards what happened, wasn’t the same as others. The hidden resentment was partly to blame for my lack of grieving; I just couldn’t fully process it. I didn’t cry until his birthday, when reality settled in and I realized that it’s too late.
The day I found out my Dad passed away I was having lunch with one of my friends at a buffet; the day after my birthday. What a shocker to find out that someone that close to you has left the earth. My heart sunk but I played it cool, I understood what was being said and left it at that. Rest In Peace. For weeks I had Tupac “Dear Mama” on repeat; weird you may ask because by God’s grace my mother is still alive but for one simple reason:
Tupac ~ Dear MamaNo love from my daddy cause the coward wasn’t there
He passed away and I didn’t cry, cause my anger
Wouldn’t let me feel for a stranger
They say I’m wrong and I’m heartless, but all along
I was looking for a father he was gone
That’s the simplest way to put how I felt. I was mad. I was feeling selfish and disgruntled because deep down I knew we had unresolved issues. Now that’s he’s gone, it will never happen. All the words I wanted to say vanished, like dust picked up by a gust of wind. I know I am partly to blame because I should have reached out and voiced how I felt about the relationship between me and him, but I didn’t. I thought to myself: I AM THE CHILD, isn’t the parent suppose to right their wrongs and come to their kid to resolve the problems? Why do I have to come to someone about their wrongdoings when it is THEM who are doing the wrongdoings? Isn’t that a little redundant? So I left it alone, unbeknownst to most, I waited and hope that one day he would reach out and we could really work on the “father – daughter” relationship. That ship has sadly sailed. The one regret I do have in this life will always be that I never got to say my piece. I pray that he somehow became right with God and that I will see him soon in the pearly gates. I pray he didn’t feel no pain and that the people who were around him actually cared for him. I pray he finally gets to sleep in peace. Regardless, I know I will never forget the good times I did have with him. He kept the sickest parties, was a great cook, and had the funniest laugh. He instilled some good morals in me and brought amazing people in my life; one person in particular my godfather pinnock. I hope he’s alive and well and hopefully one day soon we can see each other again, it’s been MORE THAN A DECADE! So sleep now Dad.